Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… just typing his name makes me feel better. Oh, if only I always remembered in those ‘pit’ moments that saying his name would make me feel this good… Lately, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself. Not just in the “woe is me, I need a hug” kind of way but in the destructive “I don’t deserve this” type of way that only leads to nasty, gross feelings unless I allow God to intervene.


Yesterday, I didn’t feel like reading God’s word. I wanted to stay in my pit, angry with my husband and my situation, chained to my sins of money troubles, lustful thoughts, and complaints of E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G and not read the two verses set forth in my reading plan. Oh, why did I think that I could run?? I put it off and put it off. Nope, I’m not going to pick it up when I have a free moment at work. Okay, home from work… I’ll do the dishes, laundry, pack lunches for tomorrow, clean the coffee pot, prep for dinner… any other chore that I can find because I just don’t want to feel better. It was getting late and Matt was still not home… now what?!?! As I waited for the argument I was sure would happen when he got home (let’s be honest, I just wanted to fight yesterday), I gave in, sort of. I’ll read the next chapter in our bible study book Lies Women Believe. I’ll read man’s word instead of God’s word; it won’t make me feel too much better. Immediately I became immersed by God’s truth… sigh… Jesus, Jesus, Jesus… nice warm hug and the feelings of depression are leaving. Okay, this is right where I should have been dwelling all day instead of simmering in my sin. Why did I run?? My God ALWAYS loves me and puts me first. Why do I not love Him back?

Today I read all four verses (the 2 from yesterday and 2 of today) and have felt overwhelmed by God's love. Reading the words and dwelling in his truth has warmed this cold, hardened heart. Today, deep down, I know that my faith is alive by my actions. If I’m going to live for God, I’ve got to act like it. What is wrong with me? I love other people and want them to be in heaven with me. I want them to feel the love, grace and compassion that I do. By saving others for Christ, witnessing and being a 'doer' for God there will be more souls in the kingdom of heaven and the devil will never be able to touch them. Did you hear that… the devil will not have a leg to stand on! His lies will be useless, no longer trapping me in my sin, no longer giving me days like yesterday, no more hurting. How do I know this? Those who knew Abraham probably gave God a second thought when they heard he almost sacrificed his son. By living out his faith and showing others what he believed, Abraham stirred up questions in the hearts around him. Another soul won! Even Rahab a prostitute, who by the world's standards is filthy and worthless, had faith that made her deeds righteous. She became blameless and honorable because she had faith and acted on God’s word. God used her to stir up hearts. God made her deeds righteous.

Know this, the devil believes in God, just like I do, but my actions make my faith alive! That is something the devil can’t touch and certainly never have. So today, as I am reminded of my freedom in Christ vs. my sinful nature I realize that I have two choices. Do I sit in my pit and let the devil win? Do I really want to show others those unholy and filthy actions? Or, do I choose to believe and have a kind of faith that is being worked out around me, showing others that I am alive in Christ. “As the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without deeds is dead” James 2:26.

If he can use Abraham and Rahab, why can He not use me?

Reading Scripture

Awful nights sleep = sitting on the couch with heating pad (in pain) trying desperately NOT to look to my right. And it-is-difficult. I favor my right just like I favor even numbers; weird I know but I'm a "righty" so that all makes perfect sense to me.

The past four weeks I have been reading James along side many other women at Good Morning Girls and it's brining about change in my life. It's one thing to sit and pray, be in God's presence and spill your guts, but reading his word is a whole new level for me. Don't get me wrong, I love sitting at his feet praying for strength and asking for healing. It's refreshing and rewarding. But reading scripture is... well... different. It's almost the exact opposite mind set for me. Instead of coming to him with my problems or a new need that I have, I'm quite and still. It's not about me in those moments. It's about God; His word and His teachings for my life. He's the one talking. He's the one saying "listen, because THIS IS GOOD!"

It is changing my life. It is drawing me into a closer, deeper relationship with the Lord and I am loving it! 

Creativity needed

This valentine's day I want to do something extra special for my husband... I'm just not so sure WHAT that will be. I have never been 'creative' in the way of persuing my husband but I know, from previous comments and from reading other wives comments, that is WHAT HE WANTS. So what else would be a better gift for him, right? 

All week long I've been praying for strength to be sexy and have confidence. I've asked God to give me an idea and play it out. Fingers crossed that a) I don't back out or b) nothing else comes up.

I didn't ever think that I would be afriad to be creative or to share my thoughts with my husband, but oh how the devil has kept me in bondage over this issue. Thankfully, I know that I can over come this and learn how to satisfy and persue Matt. Like Courtney says, "loosen up and have fun... Remember, you are married (so) have FUN!"

Fingers crossed that I can let me creativity come out and not be afraid to persue my man.

More of James, Less of Bee

More of James and less of me... that is my prayer as I continue to read though his book. Oh Lord, please give me an understanding of your word so that I may be able to live it out in my life. 

James 1:7-8: Double minded and unstable... those two words hit me like a freight train. I do sometimes doubt God, probably because I want to have control and He doesn't work fast enough for me. After reading today's verses  that means I shouldn't expect anything from him. (YIKES!) I have an excellent relationship with my dad and have absolutely no problems asking him for help. He's so wonderful I can't even begin to describe it. My dad has always, always been there for me even when I didn't know I needed him. So, why can't I remember that as great as my earthly father is, my heavenly father blows him out of the water. That is my prayer today; trust / obey / NOT doubt my heavenly father as much as I do my earthly father.

James 1:9-11: I was a little confused so I had to read the study notes in my bible. Then things made more sense. "Trials: the Christian who suffers the trial of poverty is to take pride in his high positions as a believer, and the wealthy Christian is to take pride in trials that bring him low, perhaps including the loss of his wealth." I am so thankful for this because it helped me understand better and put things into action. We currently live in my husbands grandfather's house (it was sitting empty before we got married) now while we pay off Matt's law school debt and save up for our first home. Sometimes it's so hard because all I want to do is 'build our nest' and there just isn't that opportunity right now. It's not our house to paint or decorate or make any sort of changes. For a girl who 'wants to paint the world red' this can be an I-S-S-U-E! When I get an itch and want to find our own house, Matt reminds me of the reason why we are where we are and pulls me back down.  Trails... persevere... Oh Lord help me stay on course!!

James 1:12:  Isn't it amazing how one verse can say so much about God's love for us?!?!  "Perseverance will result in blessings, including the crown of life."  Thank you Lord Jesus.  It is still amazing to me that as sinners, we are able to be loved, adored by God and receive His blessings.  Why wouldn't you love a father like that :c)

James 1:13-14: The thing that stuck out the most is that when we are pulled away from God, due to our own desires, we will face temptations. And, those temptations are never from them Lord. I think that in my heart I really know this, but sometimes my head wants to ask God "WHY!?!?" In those moments, I should turn to God and ask for "HELP" instead. Oh, sin is so gross and the devil is very sneaky.

Today is also a day that I am joining Courtney at women living well and praising my hubs.

One thing that I totally love about him is his drive. He knew at the age of 8 that God had meant for him to an attorney. *I'm 30 and still don't know what I'm meant 'to be'* When he first graduated from Law School, he took a job clerking for the county. Then, when he passed the bar and was sworn in he took the first job that came along. It gave him the experience he needed but it just wasn't what God had planned for his career. In December of '09, he left the firm he was at and started his own practice. B-I-N-G-O!! God meant for him to be his own boss, travel NW Ohio, and ministry to the criminals and down hearted. He is a-mazing at his job and the best attorney in the 419. I love his drive, perseverance, and heart for the Lord.

Journey thru James

I have read about GMG in the past, but never more than that.  Well this year, among other things, I have decided to "stop just thinking about and act."  That's why I have joined a group and found my accountability partner. 

We are reading James alongside other GMG groups.  So far, here is my journey:
James 1:1,2: At first I thought "what the heck am I going to get out of just two verses" but I was pleasantly surprised when I read the intro and the verses. The first thing that he does after introducing himself is to say "consider it joy when you face trials." WOW!  Can you imagine meeting him!?!? "Hi, my name is James and I want to tell you that you should consider it joy when you're having a bad day." I like that he opens with this because it says to me "rearrange your thoughts and find joy in everything, especially the trials."  Align your thinking with T-H-A-T! 

James 1:3,4: (I am writing the verses out in a binder and am finding that it sinks in more.) "Testing of your faith produces perseverance... so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." If only I could get over myself enough to let God do His work in my life, then I won't lack a thing. Pretty bold words that I want to resignate all day long. Consider it joy when you face trials. You will persevere and lack nothing. Last night in our marriage small group, we talked about 'getting over arguments quickly so as to enjoy each other's company once again.' Reading this mornings verses just reaffirmed this idea... you will face trials, but persevere as tomorrow will supply you with all you need!

James 1: 5,6: Today's verses really struck a cord with me. When Matt and I first were married, it was a struggle. We are very strong willed and both had high expectations. Oh how the devil loved to see us fight! At the end of 2009 I was ready to walk away because I just didn't see an end to the hostility and frustrations. My friend gave me The Power of a Praying Wife, asked me to read it for 30 days and then make my decision. It was life changing! Our marriage is happy, loving, exciting, filled with friendship, blissful, etc. because I asked God to give me the wisdom. I had no idea how to be a wife, but with his help I am gaining the wisdom now to be the best partner I can be for Matt.  Along the same lines, I am in a job that I just do not fit into. It doesn't make me happy; I don't feel that I'm particularly great at it; it causes me stress and anxiety (which can seap into other ares of my life)... you get the picture. Reading todays' verse reminded me that if I can ask and trust God with something as huge as changing my marriage then why can't I ask him for help with my job/career?


Just a little bit more about me, my walk with God, and my life as a wife :)

I'm not so sure that most folks will read this, but please click on the link below.  It'll take you to Lysa TerKeurst's website and tell you a story about Dax. Then, please consider making a dontation in his honor.

Thanks!

Lysa Terkeurst

But God...

But God... that is the only way that I can start this post. I had a great rant and rave type of post started to "get me back in the swing of things" but God had another plan for this "welcome back" post.

Let me say though, that I have been dreading this week for the past few months and eventually my negative attitude seeped out all over my husband, my friends, and my co-workers. Oh, how awful I've truly been!

It wasn't until yesterday evening that realized I haven't been spending as much time with the Lord as I should be, and to be honest, I knew that was the root of my problem. It's been an "all about me" show lately and I've been thick in it. "Why can't I..." or "Why do I have to..." and even "There is no way that I'm going to..." thoughts were all over in my mind, along with that hot Italian temper. Oh Girl, watch out! You name it, I've negatively thought it this week.

But then I met Kimmy and Tara for coffee last night and enjoyed their comfort & conversations. I got back in the swing of reading my daily P31 devotionals with my cup o' joe at the computer allowed them to sink in before started my work day. I went to Lysa's blog and read though her words of encouragement and then I read Courney's blog and got excited about the December challenge. Then I stopped over to... well, you get the idea. I started to surround myself with Godly women (even if it was mostly virtual) and don't you know that my God intervened. He knows that's that I don't want to dwell on my sin or stay weak. He knows that if I live there, deciding to stay grumpy or mad or feeling self-righteous I'll just miserable. He knows that I need him, I can't do this on my own. I must listen and obey Him. Fear Him more than I do man. Read his word, dwell on His loving kindness and mercies. And, this week definitely, I need to remember to extend that grace to those around me.

So today, with God's help, my goal for the rest of the year is to:
First, seek Him and his righteousness.
Second, spend time in His word, with Him, and listen.
Third, O-B-E-Y!
Fourth, not beat myself up if I fail one day before 2011.

There is this song, I unfortunately don't know who sings it, but I hear it on KLove and it always convicts me. One part of the lyrics says something about "never giving until it hurts" or something like that. Always gets me. Do I give to God until it hurts me? Do I give to others? Or, do I always just expect that I'm due this type of giving?

But God stepped in and turned my day around.